Suburban Diner
Visited Friday, August 31, 2018
Location: 2902 Route 17 North, Paramus, NJ
Hours: Mon.–Thu., 6:00 a.m.–2:00 a.m.; Fri. and Sat., open 24 hours
Website: suburbandiner17.com
Suburban Diner is consistently one of the most-recommended diner options in the area when people learn of our blog. We learned also that it has deep roots, operating since 1990 in its current form and since the ‘50s originally. Surely they’re doing something right?
BUD |
DAN |
Main DishFive-Napkin Sandwich Let me first say that I don’t think it’s a diner menu’s place to dictate how many napkins I use. That’s between me, my sandwich, and Jesus. Let me second say that I used only one napkin, not five. There’s probably a lawsuit here for false advertising, but it’s hard to say because I’m not a lawyer. (I am a lawyer.) The five-napkin sandwich contains beef brisket, sautéed mushrooms, onions, and melted cheddar, all on a ciabatta roll. I chose it largely because it’s the only sandwich on Suburban’s menu that gets a unique name. There are a few other options in the “gourmet sandwiches” section, but their titles are purely descriptive: crab cake club, Philly cheese steak, beef gyro. This must mean that it’s something special, I thought. Well, it is something special: specially bad. Ok, it’s not that bad, but it had some issues. First is that I had to eat it with a fork and knife rather than as a proper sandwich—the ratio of filling to bread was just unmanageable otherwise. I suppose this is the reason it would demand multiple napkins, but I’ll not play those silly games. Second, the bread itself was disappointing. I fancy myself a bit of a sandwich philosopher, and I’ve long believed that the bread is the underrecognized cornerstone of any sandwich experience. Great bread perhaps cannot make a great sandwich, but substandard bread can surely ruin one. The ciabatta here tasted stale, or at least dry and rough, and not in the way that ciabatta is supposed to be dry and rough. Third, the overall flavor was one-note and overwhelming. I enjoy brisket and cheddar and onions and mushrooms, but it could’ve used another dimension—something salty or sweet or hot. |
Main DishGrilled Chicken Panini I was really feeling a panini this time around because I love a good panini…and because Buddy called me out on our last post about my tendency for only getting tuna melts and hamburgers. This panini was titled “P1. Grilled Chicken.” I almost got the London broil panini (on the menu as: “P2. Sliced London Broil”) because Bud’s mom got the P1. and I wanted to say “I have to P2.” But my stomach’s desire for chicken outweighed my heart’s desire for a good pun. I almost regret not going for the pun and a different panini because what I got was incredibly average. It was my favorite type of panini: grilled chicken, mozzarella, grilled peppers, and balsamic vinegar. The chicken was dry, the mozz was fine, the grilled peppers were too few, and the sandwich was all but bereft of the balsamic vinegar. The only reason I remembered there was balsamic was because one of the pieces I took a bite out of was soggy and had the aftertaste of it. I regret not asking for a side of balsamic for dipping the panini into. It would have offset the dryness of the chicken. |
Fries
I can’t be bothered to check if this is the lowest score I’ve yet awarded, but it probably is. Look, it’s well-established that I like a crunchy French fry. They’re less common than I’d prefer, so I’ve reluctantly learned to tolerate the softer, thicker variety that’s typical at diners. But Suburban took it a step too far. These were downright undercooked—like, objectively. They were firm and mealy. I’m willing to accept that it may just have been a bad batch and that they don’t represent Suburban’s usual French fry offerings, but without evidence to the contrary I have to call these a real loser. |
Fries
These were possibly the best waffle fries I’ve had thus far into our diner experience. I’m relieved they were, too, because the substitution cost a whopping $1.95! They were lightly seasoned, and most comparable to Chick-fil-A’s famously loved fries. They were crunchy with a little bit of soggy here and there. The perfect combination of everything I love in a fry. These were probably the first waffle fries I ever finished completely, despite trying to save my appetite to keep room for dessert. Also—honey mustard was DELISH. |
DessertBrownie Cheesecake After a disappointing sandwich, I was pessimistic about our dessert options. Suburban has a very impressive selection (the picture doesn’t even do it justice—I couldn’t get the whole thing in one shot), but it could just be a variety of mediocrity. My fear was misplaced because the brownie cheesecake was just delicious. The only brownie-related part of it is the chocolate crumbs pressed around the sides—the inside is just pure cheesecake—so it loses half a burger for false advertising. There’s probably a lawsuit here, but it’s hard to say because I’m not a lawyer. (I am a lawyer.) The cheesecake filling was executed perfectly, with the right creaminess and the right sour note. The graham cracker crust was nicely crumbly and distinctly graham-crackery. But the highlight was the double serving of whipped cream, a dense and almost buttercreamy variety on type and an airy dollop on the side. Dan usually surrenders two-thirds through the dessert and tells me to finish it myself, so you know it’s a winner when we’re fighting over the last bite. |
DessertBrownie Cheesecake This brownie cheesecake was almost, if not just as good as one of our highest-rated desserts to date–State Line’s brownie cheesecake. Considering that they are desserts of the same name, I said to my dessert, “you’ve got some big shoes to fill” and, friends, not only did it fill those shoes, it filled my tummy in the best possible way. Like Bud said, the only brownie part is some meager coating on the outside. It honestly could have been called “chocolate cheesecake” without any change in name or build. State Line’s Brownie Cheesecake, on the other hand, had a thick and moist brownie layer as the base, as opposed to the typical graham cracker crust that Suburban’s sported. Like Bud, I’m docking this dessert by half a burger because there wasn’t much brownie in my brownie cheesecake. |
Service
Dan started out the evening by complimenting our waitress’s nail polish, and clearly the gesture paid great dividends because she did a fine job. Even as the diner filled up and her section got more crowded, she (I missed her name, sadly) made a point to stop by and check on us. She also vouched for the brownie cheesecake, which turned out to be a great move. |
Service
Our waitress was as lovely as her Tiffany-blue nail polish. She was very attentive and sweet. We didn’t have much fun banter, but I won’t hold it against her. She was great. |
Value
According to the menu, I ordered a “gourmet” sandwich, so it’s difficult to be too critical of the price—$13.50 seems a little steep, but not outrageously. On the other hand, $7 for a cheesecake (even a delightful one) is too much. (State Line Diner was the very first review on this blog and their delicious $4 cheesecake is still the gold standard.) I want to give Suburban extra credit for unlimited free refills, but that should come standard. You don’t get a pat on the back for using your turn signal, covering your mouth when you sneeze, or providing free refills on soft drinks. It’s just decent, civilized behavior. |
Value
Our cheesecake was $7.00!? My goodness. It was good, but C’MON. My panini was $12.95 with an additional $1.95 for the waffle fry exchange. Totaling to an almost $15.00 meal. I don’t think I’m being dramatic by saying a sandwich and fries should be significantly less than $15.00. This diner is a bit pricier than their food justifies, even IF they offer unlimited refills. Bud would need to drink 18 glasses of his diet coke to make me feel like I got my money’s worth at Suburban. |
Ambience
Suburban’s exemplary of the slick retro-modern diner style: clearly renovated, but with an eye toward preserving the classic art deco diner elements. The seating was maybe a touch too condensed (an adjacent table was too close to us), but I liked the bright space with big windows and cute lil’ hanging lamps. |
Ambience
Nothing really stood out here, either good or bad. It’s got the typical diner feel. I’d say everything about the ambience was average, if they didn’t have a very impressive dessert display up front. That gets ya an extra half burger, Suburban. |
OVERALL
This is one of those odd occasions where my overall score is inconsistent with the sum of the sub-scores. Given how I didn’t care for my sandwich or fries and found the whole deal overpriced, by all rights Suburban should be sitting at or below three burgers. (See also Dan’s review of Orange Top, where she excoriated the place in nearly every category but then awarded a comfortable three-and-a-half burgs.) But Suburban performed well in every other category for me, and I think the five-napkin sandwich was just poorly executed. (I’ve tried it once before and thought it was fine, though not extraordinary.) |
OVERALL
Despite the fact that this diner is literally a three-minute drive away from my job, this is only my second time ever dining here. Is it because of how average it is? Or because eating, like pooping, is best done as far as possible from work to avoid awkward sights and smells with coworkers? I gotta say…I think it’s because of the average dining experience. I’d be more forgiving if the prices were more reasonable, but premium costs for bland chicken doesn’t work for me. Though the dessert was delicious, I still think it was a bit pricey. Sorry, Suburban, I’m going to just keep on pooping and eating as far away from your location as possible. |
Interesting, I do see where yours had balsamic, Dan. Mine was just dry. I told them to hold the peppers, not the balsamic.