BUD

DAN

Main Dish

Smoky BBQ Chicken Wrap

I was hankering for the trusty old buffalo chicken, but get a load of this: the buffalo chicken wrap came with sour cream and the buffalo chicken sandwich came with ranch dressing. I can’t even. Sour cream? I love sour cream, but not like this. Not like this.

The smoky BBQ chicken wrap looked like a worthy backup: chicken strips tossed in barbecue sauce, wrapped up with cole slaw and cheddar cheese. The cole slaw is actually what did it for me, because I had a good experience with a similar dish before. That stringy crunchiness is a fine addition to many sandwiches that otherwise contain only soft ingredients, and I wish it were more common.

This wrap was actually quite nice: I much prefer how the chicken is served breaded and fried, not just grilled, and the barbecue sauce was a nice smoky-sweet middle ground. (Dan has far more extensive opinions on barbecue sauce, and I’m sure they’ll come up eventually.) The issue with the food itself was that it was not wrapped homogenously. The first few bites of each half were chock-full of chicken and cheese, but near the butt end it was just cole slaw. I understand the mechanics of wrapping a tortilla, and I see no reason why the ingredients can’t be dispersed evenly throughout.

I also found the presentation lacking. As I always say, you eat with your eyes first. (Go ahead, Dan, confirm that I always say that.) I’m certainly not asking for elaborate garnishes and a tableside flambé, but the large white platter looked a little pitiful with just a couple little wraps sitting lonely in the center. I don’t think I’m deducting any burgers for that, but it felt like an odd choice.

Main Dish

Panini Italiano

Fun fact: I literally have no idea what the difference is between sour cream and cream cheese, so I just use them interchangeably and hope no one notices when I inevitably get it wrong. I know there’s a difference, I just don’t know which is which.

Also, I’ve never once heard Bud say the phrase “you eat with your eyes first.” I’ve heard him say “I work hard, but I also play hard” about a thousand times, though, which really just translates to Buddy coming home from work exhausted and then playing Dwarf Fortress until 4 a.m.

Anyway, I was so disappointed in last week’s chicken panini that I figured I’d give the diner world a chance to redeem itself, and ordered the same thing again. Against all odds, River Edge’s actually managed to be worse. The chicken was marinated in some cheap I-don’t-know-what dressing. It was all so dry. The menu explicitly stated it was made with balsamic but I didn’t taste a HINT of it and had to ask for some on the side as lubricant so I could manage to choke down this dry chicken. Also—ALSO…the panini came with only TWO pieces!? Everyone knows that when you go to a diner and get a panini it comes with three huge pieces—two corners and the sweet, sweet middle rectangle. This pathetic excuse for a panini was only two ends. You may be saying, “Dan, it was probably just cut into halves instead of thirds.” NOPE. It was noticeably smaller than competing diners’ panini of the same price and makeup.

Panini? More like Pa-no-no.

Fries

Nothing special here. They were under-salted, a consistent diner error that I’ve observed many times before. I did find a fair number of thin or smaller-cut fries, prime candidates for a good crunch, so I appreciated that.

Fries

River Edge was like, our happy customer is going to be stuffed so heartily by her sawdust-chicken panini, let’s give her only seven fries.

As far as taste, these fries were perhaps slightly above average, but no joke, I could have fit the entire serving in my one hand.

Dessert

Godiva Cheesecake

Much credit to RED (that’s how they style themselves, and I dig it) for a very impressive dessert display. They’re not doing just plain or strawberry cheesecake, no siree: there are cakes, both cheese- and non, in every variety under the sun. I believe I once ordered and thoroughly enjoyed a baklava-infused variety, but Dan is not nearly so adventurous with her dessert options. Still, we could quickly agree on the Godiva chocolate cheesecake, characterized by a thick cap of dark chocolate on top.

Unfortunately, the sliced cake did not quite match the version on display. Or rather, the whole cake in the display case looks like just a thick layer of chocolate atop what is otherwise substantially cheesecake. Only once you cut in do you discover that the top layer is mostly chocolate cake, not ganache or something similar, and the cheesecake is just a thin layer in the middle before a bottom pad of yet more chocolate cake. We’ve made no secret that chocolate cake isn’t really our thing—it’s often too dry and too one-note chocolatey—and it wasn’t doing any favors here.

Dan and I were surprised by how underwhelming it all was. Looking back at the pictures, I suspect that they did not actually serve us the Godiva cheesecake, or at least not the version we saw in the display case—they just don’t match. Whatever it was that we ate, I just didn’t love it. (But the waitress did indulge our request for an obscene amount of whipped cream, so that helped.)

Dessert

Godiva Cheesecake

So I’m going to be a bit lenient with my grading here, because I actually didn’t care for this cheesecake at all, but I’ve been to this diner before and have had other desserts that were just fine.

The Godiva cheesecake, you’d think, would put you on the fast lane to tastebud heaven. Anything that boasts “Godiva” in it, as far as I’m concerned, is incorruptible. Some way, some how, though, River Edge seemed to go out of their way to make it taste like a fart. Eating it was difficult because the solid chocolate ganache did not translate into a clean slice very well and it was very sloppy. Also, while I’m on the topic of the chocolate ganache, if that had even the essence of any discernible “Godiva” ingredient, I’ll eat my shoe (still tastier than that panini). Finally, I don’t know if the cheesecake went a bit bad or if they added “soap” as a secret ingredient, but there was an overall funky taste to this. Next time you want a Godiva cheesecake, go to the Cheesecake Factory. They won’t toy with your emotions like River Edge will.

Service

Our waitress was cheerful, which I always enjoy. You’d think that would be the default setting, but it is not always so. I felt that she became a little inattentive as the place filled up, which is certainly understandable but not ideal.

Service

Our waitress was a lovely young lady, considering she works for a soul-sucking establishment that skimps out on their fries and farts on their cakes. She was very attentive and accommodating, as Bud mentioned, with her hooking us up with extra whipped cream on our cheesecake (the only edible part of the dessert).

That being said, it was a bit busy, so there wasn’t much fun back and forth. No good conversation. Very transactional.

Value

On its face, $12.50 is an average price for a wrap with fries. This one felt a little undersized though. I wish I’d brought my tape measure (this must be the first diner where I forgot to bring it). The reality is that I’m sure tortillas come in standard sizes and this wrap was no bigger or smaller than any other. Maybe it was the bare plate. It just felt incomplete somehow.

The $6.50 cheesecake slice is another story. We’ve visited enough diners now to see that $6.50 is near enough to the average, but it feels excessive. There’s, what, twelve slices in a cake? Does one of those cheesecakes, no matter how pretty and delicious, really fetch $78?

Value

My panini was priced at a total of $14.25. The sandwich itself was $12.50 and the waffle fry add-on was an extra $1.75 (approximately $1.75 per fry). Paying this price for this experience is akin to paying to have someone shout at me that my dad died because I’m a pathetic disappointment of a daughter. And trust me, I won’t pay for either of those experiences ever again.

Ambience

For a long time, River Edge Diner was my family’s default spot because it was one of the best and one of the closest. Within the last year, they closed for several months for a total overhaul. Everything is very conspicuously new and fancy, exterior and interior alike. I was fond of the old-school setup, a little dingy but not dirty, a little faded but not rundown. The new upscale setting is, on its own merits, pleasant and comfortable, but it’s not exactly what I look for in a diner.

Ambience

I love the ambience of this diner. I’ve never seen the older version of it that Bud mentioned, so this is all I know, and it really is a step up from the usual diner decor. A bit more updated and classier looking. Unfortunately, though, like me, this diner can try to look pretty all it wants, but everyone will still be disappointed in the overall package.

OVERALL

I found River Edge Diner overwhelmingly average. The food was good but not great, the dessert fine (though probably not what we ordered) and the selection solid, the service pleasant but not go-out-of-my-way superb.

OVERALL

I told Bud last week that sometimes I have no idea how I really feel about my diner experience until I’ve let it ruminate for a day or two, and then write it out. I guess it’s because when I’m eating a meal with my favorite person in the world, John Bon Jovi (kidding, Bud! he keeps ignoring my invites), I get a little distracted and everything seems artificially better. This was the perfect instance of the “Buddy Effect”—he makes everything seem better. It’s not until after I’m writing out my feelings to you folks that I realize “wow, that diner was really not that good.”

This diner has all the makings of greatness but fell short. Way short. Like stumbled on its shoelaces on the way there and then gave up.