Empress Diner
Visited Friday, October 19, 2018
Location: 13-48 River Road, Fair Lawn, NJ
Hours: Open 24 hours
Website: empressdinernj.com
We like to think diners are a perfect destination year-round, but there is something special about a visit when the fall weather is just settling in. Harvest decor, seasonal specials (caramel pumpkin pancakes!), a chance to finally drink hot chocolate without looking like an obese fool. (Go ahead, order it in July and see what happens.) So, Empress had a low bar to meet. Was it up to the challenge??
No. There, saved you ten minutes of reading.
BUD |
DAN |
Main DishChocolate Chip Pancakes I believe that when you take the breakfast option, you have the right to expect a full suite of breakfast essentials: toast, meat, egg, potato, all either complimentary or for a nominal add-on fee. Nobody wants just a stack of three pancakes with nothing else; make it easy for me to fill out the meal. Empress gave me just the pancakes. And it cost $8.00. Not good. I mean, the pancakes were good. Very serviceable chocolate chip pancakes, none of that burnt taste you get when it’s cooked by an amateur (me), some nice whipped cream on top. But it was just three pancakes, and they were undersized, and there wasn’t even toast. Diner breakfast is supposed to be the safest possible option—this just won’t do. |
Main DishSicilian Burger I decided to go for the same EXACT burger that I tried last week (and had mixed feelings about) because I’m unoriginal and lack any sense of adventure. Here’s what I’ve decided: green peppers do not make a good burger topping. Red or nothing. Other toppings included: a slice of mozzarella, mushrooms, and onions. Unlike last week’s burger, the toppings on this guy were much more flavorful. Also unlike last week’s burger, the patty itself was nowhere near as good. It had that cheap-quality taste to it. You know the kind—it’s got the aftertaste of grease and gives you burger-burps all night. The biggest problem that I had with my meal was that the burger bun was soggy. Look, the only soggy buns I’ll accept in my life are my own. This was unacceptable. The bottom bun where the burger was resting was so wet that I almost considered sending it back, but then I remembered how inefficient the service was (more on that soon) and decided to just eat it and take my frustration out on the blog. |
Fries
No fries with my pancakes. I planned to sub-in whatever potato was included or that I could plug in for a buck or two—but, alas, there was no such option. So I poached a couple of Dan’s fries and I guess they were ok. |
Fries
Classic diner fries. Worse than average tasting. Honey mustard was pre-packaged and kinda yucky. Completely forgettable. |
DessertStrawberry Cheesecake Dan pointed out, and I immediately understood, that this tasted like grocery store cheesecake. Too sweet in the wrong way. Creamy, but inconsistent. The gooey, metallic topping was straight-up pie filling—which, let’s be honest, is probably how lots of places do it, but this time the waitress had no problem just putting it out there upfront. I should appreciate her candor but nah. |
DessertStrawberry Cheesecake I could have went to Stop and Shop and gotten a more satisfying cake. It didn’t taste fresh, or like it was even one of those “baked on premises” cheesecakes, which a lot of diners boast. The worst part is that the strawberries were totally the frozen type. They were just globbed on top like some sort of nasty, lumpy, pathetic, pile. You know it’s serious because I usually reserve those adjectives exclusively for talking about Buddy. |
Service
I originally expected that I would reserve the lower-tier service ratings for the exceptional case where the waiter was a real unpleasant person, not a salt-of-the-earth gal who’s just got her hands too full. But that’s not going to work here. Our waitress wasn’t snippy or rude or nasty or anything like that, but the service was still just abominable. First, after we were seated, they didn’t even give us menus for probably ten minutes (which is on the host, not the waitress.) Second, when I learned that my pancakes were going to arrive just sad and alone on a plate by themselves, I asked for some bacon on the side. The bacon never arrived. It’s probably still sitting on a counter in the kitchen to this day. (To be fair, I also wasn’t charged for it.) Those are just two concrete examples among a night’s worth of just general ineffectiveness by the wait staff. |
Service
Our waitress was really something. I do genuinely believe that she was the only waitress serving at least our half of the diner, if not the whole restaurant (which was incredibly small). As Bud said, she forgot his bacon. The wait for the menu was embarrassingly long, which Bud blames on the host, but I feel like she’s a bit at fault too for not stopping by sooner. She wasn’t as prompt with the refills as we’re used to. After all was said and done, and we were finally ready to escape this hellish landscape, she gave us the wrong receipt. It was almost the perfect poetic cherry on top of the (probably gross) ice cream sundae that was this evening. |
Value
A soft drink is $2.45 for a small glass and just one refill. A stack of three medium-sized chocolate chip pancakes—no toast, no potato, no nothing—is $8.00. A modest cheesecake slice is $4.95, not egregious but certainly not befitting the quality compared to many of our past diner visits. |
Value
My Sicilian Burger was $9.35, which, though I want to complain again…it’s actually a fair price. Considering it came with the slaw, pickle, several toppings, and fries, I don’t find that egregious at all. I do agree with Bud that the one-refill drink at $2.45 is nonsense, though. |
Ambience
Credit where it’s due, I think Empress Diner is a beautiful place. Something about the bright, warm setting on a cool fall night felt wonderfully homey and inviting. They went all out with the holiday decoration, not just a token cornstalk here and scarecrow there but spooky spiders webs and skulls in abundance. Really, I felt like this is the kind of place I could sit for a cup of coffee and a slice of pie on a frequent basis—if I wanted to overpay for the pie and drink cold coffee. (I don’t know that the coffee here is actually cold. Just saying, I’m not confident in the service.) |
Ambience
I thought it was ugly. |
OVERALL
Dan and I shared plenty of knowing glances as it became increasingly clear that Empress would quickly sink to the bottom of our rankings. As always, I feel neurotically compelled to caution that a lot of our troubles may very well have just been quicks of the particular night, and we might do better next time—but after one visit, I was not impressed by the food, very not impressed by the prices, and very very not impressed by the service. |
OVERALL
If this truly were the diner of an empress, I’d expect a lot less forgotten dishes and a lot more “off-with-their-heads.” This is the second diner we’ve been to in Fair Lawn that’s been a huge disappointment. After our dining experience was over, I left, still hungry, sat in my car, and contemplated if this whole blog experience is some form of punishment I’m serving for the crimes of a past life. Hopefully this Friday makes for a more enjoyable experience. |
I guess you could say this place was not very “Empress-ive.” Heh